Reflections

Over the last couple of days I've had the opportunity to observe my oldest and admire just how much she has grown. Particularly as it gets down to 3 weeks before her 17th birthday, I am reminded how much she means to me, and how in a very quick minute I will have to let her go out on her own into the world. That thought alone is probably the scariest I've considered in quite some time, and even though I know that I've prepared, and continue to prepare her adequately for what she may be up against, it is a hard fact to come to grips with.

In fact, they all are growing so quickly that I at times need a freeze frame remote so that perhaps I can catch up on all the things that I still haven't been able to give them yet, the things that when I was a single parent just couldn't be done, the things that I'm still trying to get to. But unfortunately life doesn't work that way, and while I know that none of them have been grossly deprived of anything, I am convinced that it is ingrained in the minds of true parents to always want to have been able to do more.

I look at my babies, sometimes wondering why they thought it was ok to drink all my juice, or if they thought maybe anybody else in the house had to eat, or if perhaps one day I won't have to hunt around the house for my lotion, or perfume, or toothpaste. But most of the time I look at them with a sense of pride that is scarcely containable. They are my greatest works of art, the best thing I've ever done in this life, and for as much as I want to hold on to them forever, I am slowly realizing that I am soon going to have to open my hands...and let them go.

Forgiveness

If I saw you tomorrow I wonder what I would say.
Better yet, I wonder what I would see.
Could I look you in the eye?
Pain and shame would most surely keep
the words caught deep within my throat.
And even if I could speak, I don't know that I would
Nothing would seem quite right.
And how possibly could I justify myself?
But I must summon all the courage that I can because fear is
how I got here before.
I envision you small and fragile; dependent on me to survive.
But I was too weak to allow you to grow strong.
The "what if's" presented consequences that I did not want to face.
I was a coward; thinking only of myself.
Now the memory haunts me as I wonder about who you might have been.
Would your eyes have been like mine?
And your smile; would the dimples show?
Would you bat right and throw left;
or be a bookworm and keep to yourself?
What would we talk about?
How many fights would we have or tears would we share?
How proud of you would I be?
And me?
Would you have been proud of me?
Well now you certainly could not be.
I am not even proud of me.
How can I be when you are not here?
I should have stood up for you but I did not.
I lied to myself until I believed that I was better off without you;
and you without me.
But a lie is exactly what it was and the shame that
I feel from my own self-deception is immeasurable.
If I saw you today to my knees I would drop and through misty eyes
I would beg your forgiveness.
I should have loved you; loved you enough to keep you.
You loved me without knowing me; because you needed me.
Ignorance clouded me to the fact that I needed you too.
Needed you to fill the space in me that only you could fill.
A part of me is missing.
Can you see the hole within my soul?
It is you, it always has been and always will be.
I can never replace you, nor will I ever try.
Forgive me please, I am sorry and my life is not complete;
and though I am not worthy to say this, I will say to you that
I miss you and will always love you.
Forever.
Your momma.....

Impatience

It's a sad revelation when you take those hard looks in the mirror at yourself and realize that maybe the things you used to do so well require more effort than you're used to putting forth. A once confident or even cocky attitude can be swiftly and painfully replaced by self-doubt and even apprehension when you find that you are struggling to accomplish what used to come with so much ease. That is the place I find myself in now. Trying to juggle home, school, work, and all those other assorted tasks that make up my life is taking it's toll, and I now question...am I still that good? Why do I suddenly feel parentally challenged, scholastically inept, and emotionally spent? Why have I been struggling with an English essay for over a week, to the point where I'd simply rather just do something else, like post my mounting feelings of inadequacy? When did all this become a struggle?





But then, so many things are struggles right now...





My impatience with life is definitely showing like a pantyline that's not supposed to be there when you wear a pair of tight pants. It's just sitting out there in plain view, misbehaving, telling e'rybody my business, like a child who knows nothing about the word discretion and when to use it. But what exactly am I impatient about? Life? Am I hanging on the edge of expectancy just because, or is there some purpose, some moment changing event that I subconsciously know is on the horizon, and it just hasn't shown its face yet?





I

don't

know...





And yet today is another day that requires me to press on, waiting for the unexpected, and dealing with the day to day challenges that make up this thing called life.





Today is in front of me, so I suppose my impatience must hang in the closet for now...and wait to see if I decide to wear it to the dance later.